Heeeey, I'm back!* This blog is about how to eat good on bitch money.

*This is a lie.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Honest crap vs vile, lying, craw-sticking simulacra-p

(omg, before we begin please note "simulacra-p." If it were only the 1980s and if I were only a recent PhD in literary theory, I could so get my dissertation published by a university press just for that coinage.)

Now, reader, as you know, normally I am not one to drag little disputes from the blaaaagcomments all up onto the front page like SOME blaaaaggers. But some things push you past your limits, and one of those is bad candy, for instance the Ferraro Rocher fakety fakewads recently advocated by otherwise reliable commenter, Robin.

They come in gold foil with like a painting of Mozart on them
They are nevertheless not a good thing
They are unmitigated garbage
Do not buy them

These things are meant to LOOK like food but they are not food. Like, okay, McDonald's has salad on the menu, now. Ha, ha! Would you eat that? Ha ha haaaaa! On the other hand, McDonald's also has french fries, and despite the fact that they've messed them ALL up in recent decades, they're still McDonald's fries, and anybody with a brain would eat McDonald's fries. The salad is made to LOOK like food, but it's lying, craw-sticking simulacra-p. The french fries are honest crap, and they're great. Sure: they'll kill you. But they're good. See? McDonald's and WalMart are merchants of honest crap, and when they try to be something they aren't, it's a scary thing. If you want good ch0colate, you have to get out of WalMart and go online or head over to the little annoying hippiemart and buy single-origin stuff. If you can't deal with that, I surely sympathize, but fakety fakeballs are no kind of answer: I'm afraid you're stuck with crap chocolate, so you might as well get the best of that you can and spend a reasonable amount of money for it, not toss over your last few coins for a lipsticked pig in Mozart pantaloons.


Robin P said...

Complete bullcrap...

She, THAT ONE!, says that Hersey's Kisses rule, but Ferrero Rocher Hazelnut Chocolate balls (hereafter (FRHCs) are 'simulacra-p chocolate.

Complete and utter cowshit.

Missy Om-gasm is making an even phonier distinction than the one she made about ALL milk except milk directly from a cow being CRAP. Different milks simply taste different, that is all. Some like 2%, some like goat's milk, some like pasteurized whole cow's milk.

Hersey's Kisses are sugary CRAP that I avoid, even AT FRIENDS' houses! I can feel the grains of barely mixed sugar in the little FOIL-WRAPPED pustules, wrapped as though they are some special little morsel instead of the cheap garbage they are. And the cocoa in them HAS VANILLIN in it as well as well as only about 60% cocao. You want to talk about crap chocolate, that is it, people. You want to talk corporate fake-out bullshit sortof chocolate = Hersey's Kisses. And Ms. Foodie says they are good in a crap sort of way? No, people, they are crap in a crap sort of way!

The chocolate on FRHCs is a bit waxy, but the hazelnut flavoring is good, the wafer center is O.K. as these things go, and the whole thing is a two or three bite nicety while you are sitting at your first stoplight out of Wally's World. Is it expensive Mozartian chocolate? No. But FRHCs are Toyotas compared to the Yugo chocolate Hersey's Cusses!

People of this blog, weigh in now! Don't listen the Empress of Foodie Oz pull the levers of her taste-test smoke machine any longer! The people will not be fooled!

Nom, nom, nom! said...

Silver foil, Robin. Silver foil. That makes aaaaaall the difference. It's okay, little monkey: in time you'll develop a sense for these things.

Corky's Nice Twin, Swifty said...

Nom, do you like jean beaudrillard? I remember when I was in college at a big state school and joined this philosophy reading group and this dude fell in love with me and wanted me to kiss him and he slithered up to me like a snake and the group was about Jean Beaudrillard who seemed to think abt the simulacra!

Okay so I was going to ask you to blog more. Heaven knows once a day aint enough!

Robin P said...

@swifty = corky's sort of intellectual twin: the spelling is "Baudrillard" Leave out the "e". I am not a very good speller either, and tend to goof on the vowels, and on whether certain letters are repeated in word, or not. Also there is a bit of dyslexia in the mix, too. The good news is I usually know when I've misspelled a word. Then I look it up. The lightweight WordWeb free dictionary from Princeton U sits in my Status bar in a pink W icon, waiting to help me out.

These comments are almost taking a surprising intellectual turn, but what the heck does the slithery co-ed have to do with the French cultural theorist? Which see:


As for Glom Nom posting more than once a day, you will be lucky if she posts here daily. There is too much craptastic food to sample elsewhere, I'm afraid. She seems to be back on some threads of the Well blog now, too.

swifty said...

Robin, at least I know who Beaudrillard is and doth went to philosophy class unlike you who lookemup on wiki. Who care I can't spell frenchified names?

Did ya never stop to think that maybe Beaudrillard spelled his own damn name wrong?

Probably not.

Thought so.

Robin P said...

@swifty's last comment: I resemble that remark! Actually, I DID take several philo classes at U of I, as well as several sociology classes, one of which referenced Baudrillard briefly on the way to other post-modern thinkers more apropos to sociology. And I know that you are the Glom-inator posting under anothe name. So I AM TOO edumacated!