Heeeey, I'm back!* This blog is about how to eat good on bitch money.

*This is a lie.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Maybe I could be a jockey, after all.

All I'd need is a sauna and I could definitely make weight. I'm obviously crazy enough. The only thing is, I'd rather clip my toenails than ride Poppy's Little Candy Legs in the Preakness. So there's still a hurdle, there, I guess. I guess you're supposed to be a little more motivated or something. Also, I can't read Seabiscuit. If that's a requirement, forget it. And then there's the fact that I'll stab myself in the eye with a shish-kebob skewer before I do competetive weightloss again. That, as well, would constitute a stumbling block.

I weighed in a few hours ago and found that I have achieved the mass of a stunted high school girl. Of course, now I've had six tongue tacos (sans shells) and a pint of guacamole (sans chips), so now I have the mass of a bloated stunted high school girl, and man, does it feel good!

My co-workers are busy stinking the place up with microwave popcorn and various frozen Stouffers preparations. If I had to be them, I'd read Seabiscuit and develop an interest in the fortunes of Poppy's Little Candy Legs, just so as not to have to eat anymore.

Eight and a half pounds in 10 days. All thanks to horseracing. If Slick beats that, then I will be sanguine and shake his hand: he's a champion cheater.

4 comments:

Michele said...

All I can say is, BRAVO! Bravissimo! What a compelling tale. I loved every second of reading about the weight loss challenge. I so hope you win! You deserve it, if for no other reason than you persevered in the most insane way and got a good a story to tell out of it!

Amy said...

The suspense is awful!

I can't wait to find out if you won. You can't have lost, can you? This foe of yours can't possibly be as crazy as you. Oh, I mean, as determined as you.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is this: my friend Chavie LOVES that SeaBisquick book! She do!

Nom, nom, nom! said...

Chavie and Seabisquick, for rills dough? You better tell her stay away from that! Seabiscuit is the equine Svengali.