Heeeey, I'm back!* This blog is about how to eat good on bitch money.

*This is a lie.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Reverse Vampirism

I donated a pint of blood today! Everyone should do it, it is so fun and easy and you can help your fellow man while watching Sarah Palin speak in tongues on Fox News!!! Why I personally today in the year of our lord two thousand and eight donated a pint of blood for the first time since I donated a pint of blood under duress from my high school civics teacher in nineteen and eighty five is that I wanted to support our troops. Okay, sorry, no, I lied again. That wasn't it. I donated a pint of blood today because I wanted to commemorate my deceased aunt Louise who was a thirty-galloneer- whoops, no, I don't have a deceased aunt Louise. All my aunts are alive today praise heaven, and this may be because they are the self-absorbed variety of aunt who prefers to hang on to her bodily fluids to use for her own purposes. No, the truth is, I donated today because it has been a long time since I've seen my blood, and I missed it. Also, incidentally:

A pint's a pound.

A pint's a pound the world around. Slick don't seem too literary. He might not know the little rhyme.

Now, though, of course, I've eaten two bananas to keep from fainting dead away in the blooddonor Laz-E-Bwah and being taken to the hospital and hooked up to a disastrously nutritive IV, so now I've got bananas to deal with. Never fear about those bananas, concerned reader. I shan't give you any details, but recall the image of the elephant falling from a great height into a tiny pool of water. It may be a little obscure or enigmatic, but it does offer some clue into what will happen to the bananas. I'm sorry to any delicate first time readers.

Finally, has anyone read _Seabiscuit?_ this is not a plug for that excrescent piece of offal. One of my living aunts tried to get me to read it one time and she almost became a not-alive aunt after I read the first two pages. WHAT was she THINKing? Anyway, the relevant part of the foul thing is available online, as are many other valuable resources. Google jockeys + Jolly Ranchers or jockeys + hotbox or just jockeys + potassium deficiency/agonizing death and you'll get some fun tips for how to lose 13 pounds in 10 hours and then be so weak you fall out of the saddle and have to give up the race to some naturally pipsqueaked jerk and retire and have horrible arthritis for the rest of your life. My God but jockeys have it rough.

I tried consulting the ana kidz, too, but they turn out to be useless in the short term. They are all about the journey. They want you to post pics of dying jockeys and African famine peeps on your fridge to inspire yourself to eat and then heave a quarter of a Hershey's kiss each day for 7 months. I don't need inspiration, you useless damn ana kidz, I need a miracle and I need it yesterday.


Anonymous said...

Wow, what a coinkydink! I, too, gave a pint of blood yesterday, at the main blood-letting place, and THEN went to the blood bus that's parked like a vulture all the time on campus, and lied and told them I had just had some blood tests done. So, I got to give TWO pints of blood. Two pounds! Woo-hoo!

I'd get up and do a little victory dance what like the football players do but I'm a little light-headed, right now.

Nom, nom, nom! said...