Heeeey, I'm back!* This blog is about how to eat good on bitch money.

*This is a lie.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Now, when we haul off, as I recently did, and recommend people start eating on the darker side of poultry, we mustn't get all rose-colored-glasses about it, as I recently did, and imply that a person can just switch hit just like that, no problems, no setbacks, no period of adjustment.

Because dark meat represents a hurdle for whitemeat devotees.

I've seen a lot of terminology bandied about lately:
-not so fresh

The implication being that white meat is:
-not greasy

Let's take these one at a time, and let's take our time, the better to open our eyes to a new kind of way.

First, fresh.

If white meat is fresh and dark meat is not so fresh, the implication is that the legs of the capon, the goose, or the ostrich, died before the breast of the capon, the goose, or the ostrich. Wait, we need to decide on a species. A partridge. We are fixing to eat a partridge. Let's make it Danny Partridge--he's a good gateway free-range bird, since he's the Partridge most similar, phenotypically, anyway, to the Butterballs we're used to.

Okay, so picture this: it's Thanksgiving Eve in Alaska, and Sarah Palin has once again been required by the media to render up a fat load of soundbites. People are bored by her wackedout eyeglass frames by now, so she'll need a dynamic background for her mammerings. That, of course, means her unpaid illegal immigrant farm hand must hoist Danny Partridge up by his Keds, upend him in the giant metal funnel poultry-dispatcher and relieve him of his onerous life.

Consider that done. Now imagine we are looking at the brined, trussed body of Danny Partridge, ready for roasti-

-you know what, this is depressing; I have nothing against that poor little redheaded kid. He had a hard life. Plus the joke is getting old. I'm changing species again.

So Sarah Palin's had one of her howevermany children roast the bald eagle she got from the dude Bush just pardoned last week for shooting all those bald eagles, and the whole Palin clan is sitting down with forks and knives in hand, all ready to eat a really patriotic meal when suddenly the pregnant one's boyfriend pipes up:

"No dark meat for me, thanks, it's never seemed quite fresh somehow."

But all the meat on the bird died when the bird died. So all the meat is exactly the same age as all the rest of the meat. It is all of the exact same freshness!

Plus I'm pretty sure a bald eagle is entirely dark meat. Dark meat is simply muscle that gets used, as opposed to white meat, which is muscle that lies flabbily and unnecessarily and uselessly against the bone merely because it has been bred to be there. Eagles, being wild and free Americans, have not been bred to have useless meat on them. They use their breast muscles to do all kinds of wild free American stuff like fly in whenever they see a knot of buzzards on the side of the road so they can kick ass and get way more than their share of decayed armadillo.

Bristol's boyfriend sure is lucky he signed on with the Palin babymill. He must have spent his whole youth palling around with old washed up terrorists if he thinks it's okay to say the meat of the symbol of our nation is "not so fresh."


Corkly said...

Wish I could go veg

Instead today I had a fried chicken leg from the Jamaican restaurant and it was damn good

That jerk chicken good too but too hot for my sensitive gastro

I know the white meat aint more fresh and I hate those pink --

Oh never mind. Eating meat is nasty nasty nasty but here I am eating it--

With mac and cheese, macaroni salad, plantains, and spuds

Wish you lived on my block, Nom, I'd take you to the Jamaican buffet--

I don't know what some of those vegetables are and there are no little cards to identify like you get at the chinese buffet as if you didn't know what beef and broc looks like

Which reminds me: only go to chinese buffets that have "panda" or "palace" in their names-- better yet if the place is called Panda Palace

Just no panda meat okay?

La Cork

Nom, nom, nom! said...

Hey, Corklydoodledoo, did you at one time used to be a vegetarian? (I would not know the answer to that of course since you and I have never seen one anothers in all our whole lives.) Anyway, IF you were one of those then I think you were a more genuwine one than the one I was for five years because you are saying "nasty nasty nasty." The vegetarian I was would always say nasty nasty nasty and go on and on about how grody it all was, the carnivores and all their meat eating, and DID get groded out by it, and pretty thoroughly, too, but when given a powerful invitation to fall off the wagon did so immediately and went back to gnawing on sinew so quickly and so happily with so few misgivings it was almost... well, it was almost as if the years-long groded-out stage had never existed. Whither the nightmares about eating a chicken salad sammich? gone in the same grave where went the nightmares I used to have about cutting my insanely long hair, I suppose.

Huh! I wonder what other deeply held convictions of mine could be kicked to the kerb with no annoying guilt feelings?! Can I happily commit larceny? Mmmmurrrdurr? I think we've hit up on a question that needs some essploring!

(BTW, you know that fried chicken leg was darkmeat, right? Cause a drumstick is darkmeat.) (And, I mean, how do you not love a drumstick? it ain't possible not to love a drumstick. Not. Possible. It's no shame in it, Corkyduckydarlin', go ahead and enjoy your lil drumsticks now and then, hon. The only shame in it is the part you pointed out, that I don't live on your block and consequently I'm not there eating all that stuff, too. I am eating some gankass salad right now that sucks.)

Michele said...

I don't know if this has anything to do with anything, but I'm having Popeye's Fried Chicken for dinner tomorrow. Yay!