Heeeey, I'm back!* This blog is about how to eat good on bitch money.

*This is a lie.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Hooraaaay!

It worked!

The contest people calipered my various flab, and they told me I'm 33.8% lipids. Wikipedia assures me that's solidly obese.

I thought I would have a lot to say, but I'm still so overwhelmed. I want to run and jump and put my arms around the whole world. $750, you are mine!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nuh-uh, there are some fatties in that contest -- you are like Twiggy, comparatively.

Anonymous said...

Yes, and they're all, "Awww, it's in the bag, natural advantage, yo." Meanwhile the not-so-fatties are all, "I been on a million diets and I know a guy who knows a guy who runs a phen-fen lab. No contest."

But do you know what pride goeth before? That's right! A fall!

I am not proud. I merely KNOW.

I am the underdog for whom no one will root, for no one will notice me, in my Twigginess.
And then! To their boundless shock! From out of nowhere!

It is so for my flab is legion. They assume some of it is muscle because otherwise how could I move about from place to place. But it is all flab. Just as my rubberband ball is pristine rubberbands to the core, so have I carefully composed myself. Of flab. To the core.

I shall trounce them, be they fat or be they lean.

Anonymous said...

As a fellow flab-master, I applaud your aplomb and spunk.

Robin P said...

Nomx3, it's 'Leonard'. Stop posing as some sort of health-conscious vegan on the NY Times Well health blog, or I will report you to the Vegan InterPol, who will swoop down on you while you are ingesting Sonic-good! burgers, and throw you in the Black Hole of Calcutta. See comment #976? on the Well '11 Foods' entry. Also, send back my favorite pair of socks I left at your house. They have cute little teddy bears embroidered on them, done by my Latvian grandmother. Signed, RobL

MXT3K said...

Oh, no, Leonard! I fed those socks to the vermicomposter (if you don't keep hurling things down it it growls in the middle of the night. I am afraid of it). I am so sorry! If I'd known they were yours I'd've sacrificed one of the throw rugs.

Robin P said...

Thanks, mxt3k! Now, not only are the vegan police after you, but so is my Latvian grandmother. She worked for 3 days on embroidering those socks. Of the two agencies, I would be much more afraid of hers. After a neighbor once slighted her pound cake recipe, the lady was never heard from again.

Since when is there an 'x' in Mystery Science Theater 3000's acronym? Do you buy the special porno versions of their DVDs?

BTW, there is no 'love' note from me near comment #976 in jug-headed Tara PP's Well blog entry on the 11 most over-hyped foods you should be eating. She refused to print mine, and refused to send me an email about why she has my gmail address blocked from the well@nytimes.com URL. It is clear that the woman fears me, which is how I like it between me and my girlfriends.

Ann says "Hi!" to you. She is currently building me a new deck, and has talked with every neighbor on my block, including some shut-ins like me. How's Juan Valdez? I hope you are proud of yourself for stealing my gardener.

BTW, you aren't much of a blogger. Some of the comments here are more interesting than your blog entries. Just like the Well blog now that I think of it.

M?T3K said...

Are you sure she's blocking you? Because there can't be a more persistently annoying or divisive commenter out there than ol' Nom,nom,yadda, but she's never blocked any of my zillion and one posts. Listen, do you post and it appears to go through but then it doesn't show up? Or is it more like you post and get an error message right away? Because in the latter case it could be you're dyslexically sticking your e-mail address in the name blank and vice V. That used to happen to me back in the day, but I got the tendency under CTRL and now post freely, like a gazelle in the foret.

("Foret" is not a misspelling: I am deliberately using the French spelling to twit that Latvian granny battleaxe you keep wailing about: I examined those socks before I gave them to the rampaging worms, and it's clear she's a huge Francophobe. "Cute" little "Teddy bears," indeed! I never saw such shocking and debasing frog caricatures in my life. I wonder the worms could choke them down. But they did. Speaking of which, I must go. I hear the distant howling and thudding against the sides of the compost bin that signals breakfast-time-or-else hereabouts.)

P.S.: I did not "steal" JayVee34. As I expect you have learned, he wanders where he wist. The darling!

Robin P said...

Two different actions, Nom de guerre. One) Tara PP refused to print what would have been approximately comment #976 about "The 11 Best Foods You Aren't Eating" where I disrespectfully said that since nobody would see the nearly 1000th post for this article, what I suggest is that people put all 11 foods in a blender, puree them, then drink it throughout the day, unrefrigerated.(The sardines on the list would be fragrant by 6 PM) I also suggested that your comment #226 perpetrated more of your personally-healthy eating fraud, and, two) I closed this banned post with asking Tara PP why my fabulous gmail address wasn't allowed to send emails to Well@nytimes.com. Not only was the comment never printed, but she never emailed me with a reason why the blockage, either. I, too, have some dsylexia, but I usually make copies of my comments on any site in case I need to resubmit them. I don't believe I mislabeled my email address on that post. I sent her a column idea (a good one, too, about the high number of doctor suicides in America about a month and half ago, but she never responded or printed anything about this phenomena in her "Ill" blog. Then I tried to send something a few days ago, and Google said it had been blocked at the Well address. What up wit dat, Willis?

My Latvian grandmother says you are the twit. She has her two hulking nephews on a plane to America to seek you out and make you eat some bad goat cheese they are carrying. She says that the French can go to hell, as far as she is concerned. She says they are effete cowards who think they know how to make good bread. She says their bread never made a man grow hair on his chest, or a woman, for that matter.

And you are still a crummy blogger. Does the phrase 'every day' mean anything to you? Us good writers write EVERY DAY. The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with continued use.

Anonymous said...

I completely totally utterly absolutely read that post about putting all the miracle foods in the blender. I remember because I laughed at it. Either: somebody else posted it. (w/all due etc., it was kinda obvious. But you everyday writers never notice that, do you? Probably too busy "sharpening.") Or even more likely, you put it in the wrong thread. Actually, since I remember laughing at it it must be that I wrote it myself. Perhaps I was distracted by a fruit fly and never managed to hit "submit."

I agree with your monstrous grandma about the breadstoffe. Slavs do bread best.